Last year after my husband left I decided it would be a great time to start studying again . I speant hours online courses .
I finally decided on a level 3 alchol and drug counselling course . I have previously worked in the care industry with adults and children with learning disabilities/changeling behaviour .
I loved my work and hope to return one day .
Addiction has always been an area that has interested me to know more about , I hope to go on to volunteer within that area .
Study house give you a year to complete your course . Well that deadline is up on the 10 th October and I have just today completed the course . I thought at the beginning I would be into studying using my free time of an evening to study .
But in reality I used the first six months to heal for my marriage split and find myself again .
Now for some reason I study better in little miss naptimes or when she's busy doing an activity . Strange I know !
I don't have access to word at my house so have been travelling to my mothers house to use there laptop to complete assignments . My mother isn't always there so sometimes I need to type up assignments and entertain a toddler !!!
Today was one of them days , so here's what I did ....
I set up a little work station by the patio doors , do I can watch little miss play whilst studying . It worked well for a while . In between the toilet breaks , helping baby down the slide and bubble blowing I got a bit of typing done !
When the garden got a bit boring she moved inside and on to puzzles .
I asked little miss what she wanted to do today . Her 1st suggestion was Nana's for biscuits . 2 Nd choice was walk in the forest with the Frankie dog .
We are lucky enough to live in the New Forest, great for a quiet walk on a Sunday afternoon .
Even better if its been raining as there's muddy puddles .
Dog on lead , toddler in pushchair with her treasure bag at the ready !!!
On the first stretch of walk there was lots of bark on the ground . We place a small piece on our pushchair , finding woodlice and spiders . Little miss in heaven , she loves bugs . We speant alot of time just looking .
Muddy puddles next !!
A spot of walking backwards :-)!
We found this dragonfly lying by the side of the road , sadly not moving , but still a very pretty sight .
A lovely Sunday walk had , with lots of leaves collected ready for a collage later .
I would like to say I have a tired out toddler , but by the way she's jumping on my sofa . I'm not sure that's the case !
A photo to look back on in a few years a smile , a photo for my parents mantelpiece !!
It's not very often that the three of us and the three kids are in the same place !!
So why did It hurt so bad to take part in this photo ?! I love my family , niece and nephew . I love my brothers , although like all family's we argue and fall out from time to time .
It made me sad because on the other side of the photo is my brothers girlfriends !!
It has nothing personal to do with them . It's purely ME. I like hem and welcome them with open arms .
Butbhaving had the man I married who swore to stand by me or the rest of my life , who was an additional member of the family . To stand there and play happy families , is just too hard to do .
You will often find me on the room with the children rather than adults !!!
I have felt that love of another , I have felt that feeling of comfort , that feeling of pure happiness !!
I have also felt that emptiness , that utter low of feeling your heart break , of betrayal .
I have heard the words ' I just don't love you anymore' from a person who you would run into a burning building to save .
I gave up my job , my house , my car For my family and I would do it all over again , no regrets .
I am jealous of my brothers , they have what I lost , they have all I've ever wanted . But I'm happy for them too , I wish them all the happiness in the world. I never ever want them to experience what I have felt . ( although being 6 years older than myself I'm sure that just a fantasy of saving the world from them).
So this moment , this photo , that garden , they hold happier memories for the people who will hold the photo close to there heart . And I suppose when it comes down to it , we all want to protect are family and I will never tell my family when this photo hurts , because like all of the other feelings that came with my marriage break up they just don't need to hear how I feel .
So on Sunday night little miss screamed for two and half hours before bed .
Made me feel pants after a lovely busy day out why wouldn't she sleep!!!!
On Monday night she took 30 mins to settle . Then woke up at 10.50pm .
I had a banging headache and let her sleep in my bed :-(. Just felt too poorly to fight !
On Tuesday night she went down at 8 pm ( little later because of afternoon nap).
She woke at 3.20 am to come in my bed !!!!
I'm used to bad nights sleep , she is not a good sleeper . I've tryed everything !!!
I would just leave her to get on with it but I live in a first floor flat with neighbours that
Would be unfair .
People say to me all the time being a single parent must be hard ....
My honest answer is I enjoy it ( maybe because I've been in the realonship that turned sour) .
But the only times its really hard is when your poorly ,you want to sleep and you can't .
Everything becomes difficult , you feel guilty your not performing at your best , those things you feel happy with seem not so sparkly anymore .
I will still get up and take her tomorrow,any group , I will play games , I will still do everything I would usually do .
I would just on days like this wish I had someone there for me when I hit the sofa or bed . To put there arm around me , hug me tight and tell me that it's ok , I'm still a good mum !!
I hate it because I never feel like my daughter should suffer because mummy's not running on 100%.
Yesterday , little miss was having a weird mood day ! Lots of crying and testing limits , so I put my thinking cap on , took a deep breath and started again :-)!
On Friday the www.treatstoylibary.co.uk came to the children's centre . Perfect timing for us as craft seems to be our favourite thing at the moment . We picked up a stamping pad for £1.95. Easily washes out of clothes and perfect replacement for paint .
Whilst dinner was cooking I laid out a piece of old wallpaper and gave little miss some stampers .
She was in heaven !!
Yes I did make that mistake of putting on my carpet , doh !!
The hallway in our house still doesn't have carpet, so moved the stamping into there .
Perfect timing as little miss started hand and foot printing.
30 mins later , one happy toddler and one dinner cooked !!
I first lucked up this book in our local library a while go , I was looking for some lovey dicey bedtime story's too help my little on with bedtime reunite!!
I read it once not really paying much attention to the words , to the read it again and had tears in my eyes !!
What a fantastic way to say those things we often forget in our busy life's !
I'm sure this book wouldn't be for everyone but for anytime I feel life is getting away from me , or I feel guilty for not spending lots of attention on my daughter I read it , we'll get it out the local library :-)!!
One of my favourite quotes out the book is 'you live as though life's one huge present , unwrapping a bit everyday , that's how we all should be living , my love '
I feel that all this book your reading to children , I think it holds a things for the reader/parent too , things that we forget with being so busy with adult !! Like ' for sometimes we need to be flat on our backs before starlight begins to appear'
I for one love this book and will be adding it to my little miss Christmas pile because I need a little reminder and heartwarming story once and while :-)!!
So According to the government I live in poverty because my current situation means I recive benefits .
Now don't get me wrong without the help I'm am given for my rent , I wouldn't be able to afford a place of my own .
As a single mum to and under 5 then yes I do have a lot of help .
But this is a temporary measure in till I am able to find decent aid employment that fits around childcare and my situation .
In currently study at home( paid at my own expense) , volunteer my time to help others in my situation and am getting ready to launch my own business venture , whilst looking after my two year old .
I far from sit around watching telly all day , or plan from making this a permant feature .
In actually fact for 7 months I didn't apply for all I was entillited to because I felt bad , ashamed to accept help .
I am fed up of single parents as scourgners and people acting like we chose to be in this situation .
No I can't speak from everyone and everyone's situation .
I read this moring that because of all of this myself and my daughter live in poverty . I know there are just governments big words and they have to put people in brackets .
But poverty just seems wrong , my daughter dosent live in overtly she is well feed, has clothes on her back , access to books and learning experiences . We have running water , heating and shelter .
I hate that someone would describe her as living in poverty , it really really annoys me.
Theirs children in this wired who have no home , no clothes and no warm bed to live in , no foid in the tummy that to me describes poverty !
In this world were so quick to judge and label , without thinking how it would affect others !
You know them nights , when your tired , you've spent the day running around wearing your child out , you know there tired , you see it on their eyes !!
But when bedtimes comes , you know dropping that afternoon nap or that extra 20 mins at park was a bad idea !!!
Just changing into bed clothes or mentioning bedtime leads to the meltdown . There over tired !
You feel guilty , you feel tired and you need that cup of tea /glass of wine in sofa !
You out them to bed you , read that story , a kiss good night lights off .
The sofa is calling , you almost make it when ...... The footsteps start , the crying happens !
We all differ in our parenting techniques and we do what best for us . The rapid return , the cry it out ...e.t,c .
For those lucky enough to have a supportive partner , who will tag team with you or just have that glass of wine waiting for when you win . It's still hard for you guys . And the night paragraph applies to you as we'll.
For those who may not have the support they crave or for those doing it alone . If you feel anything like me at times some nights when this happens , it like water of a ducks back . Your strong you can do this man you could go all night if needs be .
For those times when you feel poorly , your tired or you have jobs to finish the fire you can relax . You just don't feel like being matching man right night . You may in your head like I do pled with your little ones please mummy's tired .
Or you may as I do at times hat myself say ' mummy loves you but she really needs this time '.
It's hard and that dosent even include those times when it all gets too much and the tears fall .
I find myself thinking I'd love for someone to help me , I'd love to be asleep . You feel alone .
For me all them guilty feelings disappear when I get that smile and I love you the next day .
But my goodness was it was still hard and I doubted myself a thousand times the night before !!!
Forest school is an activity provided by East Dorset children's centre , held in a hidden garden in the centre of Wimborne Dorset .
I children climb , run , hide , discover , dig and much much more !
There is no planned activitys ,. You come and explore to garden with your child .
In boxes around there are slaes and buckets . Water butts and tins . Twigs , sticks , leafs , tree stumps and even woks !!
Children are enforced to do lots by them selfs !
For a family like us with no private back garden it's a fantastic resource! I know other family's without garden use this facility too .
Whilst my little miss was exploring today , I got talking to the lady who runs the activity , turns out she was a single mum for a time too !!
If there's a forest school near you I highly recommend you take a trip down there :-) .
So my marriage break up happened at the end of August 2013. We had been living with my mother and father , about to venture into the big world of mortgages !
The break up was sudden , my husband went out for a evening with work and never came home .
I loved my husband , and for all are issues no seemed uh fixable . I always new I could look after my little girl on my own , and that as well as being my strength is /was one of my weaknesses too .
So after that initial I wana try save our marriage , I want him back stuff you go though .
I remember looking round and thinking I'm living in a room which has held so many happy memory's but it is also the room I shared with my husband in a guise that's not mine , in the bed we shared , under the covers we brought on honeymoon .
If it wasn't for having my daughter to think off , I would have brought a new bed , thrown myself into work , gone away for a while , chucked everything ok and start again . But finances and my resobalities wouldn't allow .
I started looking at places for myself and my daughter to rent . Mellon I live in Dorset it's expensive to rent here and in the 6 months since we had previously rented prices had gone even higher .
A two bed flat is easily £650 a month .
I keep applying to estate agents looking for property's . On one occasion I walked into an estate agents asking if I could go n there waiting list .
The lovely middle aged assistant , who of cos had a wedding ring on her hand informed me ., ' to be honest a landlord is more likely to go for someone who had a well paid job , rather than someone who accepts help from housing benefit' .
I informed her that I had previously rented with there agency when I had been in full time employment and with my husband , and that I had not choose my situation . Walking out saying thank you for all her help :-).
I fully understand that private landlords may have worries (and insurance issues)about renting to a
person who needs assistance from housing benefit . My aunt had a horrible experience with one of her rented property's . But I feel that character and a persons situation should be looked at before judgement is passed .
Anyways having applied to the east Dorset housing register in the October of 2012 , I never expected or thought we would ever get placed with them . Are first application was thrown out due to forms not being filled in correctly .
So after reapplying in March 2013 , we were suggest full in securing and interview for a 2 bedroom first floor flat in June 2013.
It was made very clear on interview that we were second for this property and were unlikely to receive. I was in shock that after all the rejection of nearly a year of looking we were getting somewhere .
Interview day , the lady left saying if the other lady accepted we were out the picture .
The lady did not accept the flat it was ours !!!!!! The tears starting falling boy was I scared !!!
We accepted the property without viewing as it didn't matter it was a starting point an we were grateful for being given a chance .
We moved in on 29 th June 2013. The flats don't come with carpet and decorating is up to us :-).
First thing I did was decorate my daughters room pink and purple , she choose blue carpet :-).
Then the lounge as this would be my daughters play area . My room didn't matter and still doesn't have carpet ,but we have home .
The plaque pictured I had custom made and will hang in our lounge , see a blog at later date .
Little tins of beans and Sausages , that cost about 49p, i owe alot to them !!! As most parents Know that period between 4.30 and 5 , when the tiredness kicks in and afternoon nap has worn off.... is the perfect time for melt downs . If you reach meltdown stage , well your chances of your toddler waiting for something to cook for 20-40 mins in the oven are next to none!! These periods of time used to stress me out , especially when you've been out for the day and your tired ! Till i found that my little miss would clear a plate of beans and sausages ,2 mins and 30 seconds in the microwave with a piece of toast(dairy free butter). Give it 5 minutes for the food to set in your sorted , peace has been restored !! We probably end up with this maybe twice a week , I don't feel guilty that its not a proper home cooked meal . I actually feel relived that she has eaten something , that her tummy wont be rumbling in the night .
Are local children's centre has become are lifeline , a vital part of our routine .
We recently moved area not far only 10 mins away , but a big enough distance to make travelling to are old play groups an expensive venture . We still attend a few when we know are friends are going :-).
The children's centre in Verwood is located In the hub a community centre in the town , it does have its own building which is a bit of a shame for such a big town it could really do with one !
We have been attending there messy play sessions on a Thursday morning since little miss was 6 months old .
So when are moved cane we venture over to there nearest location to us which was ferndown children's centre, located in the first school .
I was amazed having not been there before . You have to ring a doorbell to get in , with a door that locks ( no escaping toddlers).
As you walk in there's a baby area with two sofas and a hatch to sign in and grab a hot drink .
All the furniture is toddler /baby size , with a small person size toilet at the back of the room ( amazing when you have a recently potty trained toddler ).
Chalkboards attached to the wall , shelfs full of toys clearly labeled , a book corner and plenty of messy play activitys !!
But it gets better they have a garden !!! Having recently moved into a flat with no garden , this made me on very happy mummy !!!
Full of things including a boat , playhouse , water feature and sensory activities :-).! Just amazing I could sit back and relax and my little miss didn't get bored once !!!
Well since that day in June , ferdiown children's centre is a huge part of our week , with friendly staff and actities such as paint my daughter loves . Even better there activitys run though the summer !
The thing I find as a being single parent to a toddler is that sometimes it feels like you could go days without seeing anyone or talking to anyone , with the children's centre we are certain of a warm welcome and someone to talk too !
I wish people would use them more as some sessions are poorly attended , the more people attend the more donations they receive , the more people register with them , the more they see the need for these services .
We for one would be lost with out there services , so huge thank you to east Dorset children's centres for you services and smily faces :-).
The amount of times in the past year I've heard to words .....
' Your young , your lucky '
' Times a healer '
' I don't know how you do it ?'
' You' ve got a beautiful little girl , just think of that '
There's nothing wrong with these phrases , and there nothing but the truth .
But when you haven't slept due to a teething baby and all you want is a person is to say I know it sucks . They can be triggers rather them helpful .
The amount of times I would want to break down and cry in play groups , supermarkets or at home .
Choosing a pair of shoes could seem overwhelming , the sheer thought of getting up on with the day hurt .
I didn't give myself time to grieve , I go up and carried on . I cried behind close doors away from my family and daughter .
Living in a house which I shared with my family , a place I had shared with my husband , in the room. I had shared with him , in the bed I had shared with him , under duvet covers we had brought on honeymoon .
Getting up between 4-6 times a night with a teething toddler , who's regularly wake up call was 5 am
Feeling lost , hurt . Hard up on luck !!
Scared I would be stuck there forever , I would never meet anyone else , I would never get he chance to have anymore children , stranded .
And to top up all off , my nan s situation and health went down hill losing her in the October .
Leading me to feel guilty that I couldn't be there to support my mother at a time she needed it . I just couldn't hadle it , I didn't feel strong enough .
So those words ' times a healer ' , they felt like rubbish , they felt like a slap in the face .
What did I do wrong ? Why did I have to wait for time to heal the wounds , that shouldn't have been there in the first place ?
Why did I have to use every last piece of strength every moring to get up and out a smile in my face ? That one was easy to answer because I had a little girl who needed me :-).
A little over a year on , the words ' times a healer ' couldn't be more true !!!
Shoes , shoes and a few more shoes !!! In my daughters short 2 years she must have had more than 10 pairs , starting at a tiny size 2 right up to her current size toddler 6. First place that comes to mind when you think of buying shoes is Clarks www.clarks.co.uk. Not if you child has slim feet like mine she is a slim width E !!
So shoes mean for us and expensive trip to Our nearest start rite stockist ! www.threadsandtreds.co.uk. These little shoes set us back £44 !!!!!! Yes you heard me right £44!!! They support her ankles and have good grip , let's just hope they last us all winter , like her last pair did !
So finding slippers is quite a task as well , we went to marks and Spencer's , the other day . I let little miss try out a few !
She chose a nice pair of rabbit slippers priced at £8
My question to you lovely lot is , where do you guys buy shoes from ? Any good places to get slippers ???!??!?!
Today EJ and I decided to make new friends . A couple of friends back we meet a lovely lady and her little girl , at playgroup . We had got chatting and turned out she also was a Newley single mum !!!
We clicked , and could have talked for hours . With no time to switch numbers a quick ' add me on Facebook' ....... Facebook friends and quick shall we meet on Saturday , a new friend was made . Too other people it may seem strange I would write a post about this !! But you see when you've been going to playground , made friends with people . Then all of a sudden something happens in your marriage/reason ship . No matter how hard you try , no matter how much you do wanted it too , there because a distance a wedge . Without knowing you put people in and odd situation , should they mention the break up , should they invite you to things . I'm not saying everybody and am no way trying to insult my friends who are married and have kids . Most of the time it's men, people will ask a innocent question , and you feel out of place . You look at people's wedding fingers are they married , will they judge me ... So when you meet a person you click with with kids who is in almost the same situation as you .... It's a bit like Christmas !!! It's a,most a bit like for 5 minutes of you day someone is in the same boat as , and for the 5 minutes your world seems ok again :-).
Or maybe for them 5 minutes it givres you sent gets to pick yourself and get on with you journey !!
So last year , when my daughter was 14 months I became a single mummy . It was without a doubt a horrible , eye opening , life changing time . I had put all my energy effort , money into my marriage and family . To be left with no really closure other than the words ' I don't love you anymore ' . Other the next few months my reason ship with my daughter grew stronger and we are now make such a fantastic team . But during that time I dealt with the sad faces , people who didn't know what to say , friends who seemed to take 7 steps back after every text . Family who had be hurt and had to heal too . I felt alone , guilty , hurt , ashamed , not good enough , unwanted , guilty , lonely ! I also on the flip side grew closer to a old friends and made new ones . I realised how lucky I was to have such an amazing little girl . But I felt lost like none else was in my situation , I had no place to go when my daughter had gone to bed to chat . So A cup of tea and chat Facebook page was set up . A place to chat , have someone nod in agreement and not feel alone . This blog will be and extension of that page , a place that I can rant about my feelings and hopefully allow , there's in my situation to know there not alone . A place to laugh smile and enjoy the life as a single parent . I can't promise it's going to be a pretty journey but I hope it brings people a small piece of peace to know someone can voice there feelings for them :-).